First, the question arises: What is a helpers syndrome?
In other words, it is the addiction to help and the feeling to be needed!
Ask yourself the following questions:
- Do you often hear the sentence: Think about you!
- Do you think that it is necessary to help because you feel bad otherwise? Or is it "heard" like that?
- Do you ask others for help or is it difficult for you?
- Do you feel exhausted or powerless, energetic?
- Would you like to change the other so that you feel better?
- Are there only people with problems in your environment?
- Do you often complete tasks before someone else can do them?
- Do you set your goals, wishes and needs behind?
- Do you feel good if you could help others?
There are certainly plenty of tests on the Internet that you can consult. But generally in the overview, you already know if you have a helpers syndrome.
Because you are always there and present, you do the tasks for the others without them asking you, after all, you already know what needs to be done. Or you know anyway how you have to do things so that it is neat. You want all people around you to feel good, a so-called "people pleaser".
I could list endless things here, as I was once in this situation myself. I have really done everything for all family members IMMEDIATELY after being asked. Me sitting quietly at the table? No way! The ketchup, the butter or whatever had to be brought from me! The others needed too much time to get up and get things. Then I was allowed to listen to me: "We would have done that, but now that you have done it, I did not have to get up anyway!" You certainly notice the trend. And yes, the house had to be clean, 24/7, tidy and neat ..... I could continue as I said.
In 2015, I finally noticed it and pulled the emergency brake. A long overdue conversation with our youngest has brought the final realization. Since then I am working to change it. Slow and steady! And yes, I still want everyone to feel comfortable around me. Criticizing my actions, well, slowly I can tolerate them without breaking out into perfectionism.
But I noticed something else and that was the most important thing: through my actions I have permanently crossed the borders and taken away from others their responsibility for life. They did not have to worry about anything in my presence (even though I was always bitching (!) that my children or my husband could do something and do more, which incidentally was never enough)
Ultimately, it was a zipping and avoiding to feel my feelings for myself and about myself. Recognizing this helped me to say hello to the helpers syndrome. Does not mean I'm done, a spiritual burnout (which I had 2017/18) is certainly not the sign that it has worked out, but I'm further than I was years ago. So it's not too late. You too can learn it. It is important that you realize that you deprive others of the responsibility for their lives and so to speak incapacitate them. You can do very well without your help! And to admit that is painful.
Especially since the next step may follow: on what do you build your self-esteem? Because helping others does not bring it anymore!
In the next few weeks, a few posts will be published on this topic, just follow me on this blog. Because I want you to get through this blog a lot of support in this way. Something I have missed on the internet so far.
Please be aware that this does not replace a therapist. If you are deep in depression, burned out, and do not know what to do, find a therapist and spill your heart out!
If you have any questions, please send me a message via the contact form
All the love for you
Kerstin Ajasha and the Crystal Skulls